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From: Mrs Merton, Comedienne
Date: 9/4/98
Did you hear the joke about the University, the advertiser, the accountant and the student? This one's a real rib-tickler: Spotting a loophole in the tax laws, the assistant registrar of the Univeristy of Armaggedon discovered that all adverts, if something to do with education and research (as some Univeristies are), were tax-free. A tax break for the U of A - what an excellent idea. Whilst some universities merely went for the bog-standard "Aiming for equal opportunities" or "We're a really really nice place, honest guv" other institutions aimed for the stars: "Get your 5 * Environmental Science degree here and fill up in Sainsbury's Petrol Station with 5* at no extra charge", "We've got the best PR course in the country (except the other one)", "Up yours Delors - we're Britain's European University" and "Come to the University of Lorraine Chase - we're ace!" were some of the catchy slogans. Not to be outdone, the U of A had an allegedly excellent idea. Intoxicated with verbosity and pomposity, and believing its own hype, it excelled itself with the advert: "We're all excellent, na na na na na, so there". Students were suitably impressed and rushed to enrole (elsewhere). Unfortunately, not all departments were "excellent". So the new Vice Chancellor had a cunning plan. Mr Vincent Price-Waterhouse, fresh from accounting for a house of horrors, thus embarked on another blood-bath. Donning his Dracula outfit he summoned every member of staff under the cover of darkness to the gymnasium/graduation hall. With deadly precision and threatening staff with the chop if they didn't lose their heads he made a chilling cutting-edge decision: "If we only have four Schools of 'excellence' why not cut up all the rest and create four Frankenstein Schools?" What a frighteningly good idea! And so it came to pass that the Four Schools of the Apocalypse were still-born. That Sunday the Chaplaincy centre was packed like first-year tutorials as members of staff prayed to God and called out for a messaih. Queues clotted where the library used to stand - now a National Lottery kiosk - and Deans turned into zombies. Meanwhile, clutching a cross and chewing on a clove of garlic, a revolting student spotted another loophole and lodged a complaint with the Advertising Standards Authority. As he was frogmarched in front of the Chief Petty Officer - Viscount Raymond Smythe - the student's last words are a motto to us all at the U of A: "Do different, do different....Repeat to fade away....