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From: Audrey, Chief Executive's Office
Date:16/10/97
To: Heads of School ccs: Deans Strictly confidential It has come to the notice of the Management Group that several Government Ministers are being briefed by their sons and daughters on their current experiences in Higher Education and that some unfortunate publicity has been given to their comments. This seems to follow the front page headline in The Daily Telegraph suggesting that institutions have been 'dumbing down' the standards of particular courses to obtain a higher percentage of 1sts and upper second class degrees. Delays in the installation of the new computerised Student Record System have hampered a full search for possible Ministerial sons and daughters in our records, and so I am asking that any School that is aware of such a student on their courses should inform me as soon as possible. It goes without saying that no such student should be given any special treatment, but should you come aware of any particular dissatisfaction they might have with Armageddon, it would be wise to see that it is attended to immediately.
From: Public Relations Division
Date: 23 Feb 2003
JOB OPPORTUNITIES The Dean’s Office is looking for a new “Mr/Ms/Mrs X,-a-spokesperson-for-the-University-says” since Janet Wilberforce of the P.R. Division was kidnapped earlier today. It seems that Janet had informed her parents that she was working as a prostitute near City Station. When Mr. & Mrs. Wilberforce arrived at said terminal to see their daughter at work, they were told, in no uncertain terms, by a group of ladies working the Rolling Stock Lane area, just exactly what their daughter was doing for a living. Janet was snatched from the office this morning by a Police Human Rights Squad who have promised the family new identities in the Antipodes. We would like our new “Mr/Ms/Mrs X,-a-spokesperson-for-the-University-says” to be a fairly tough, forthright orphan capable of dealing with the equally tough, forthright members of the Fifth Estate. He/she will deal with enquiries regarding pre-emptive press articles such as last year’s “Kitchen Declared 100% Unsafe”, “90% of the students Ecoli positive”, “Soaring Staff Salaries”, “Exorbitant University Fees - The Shocking Truth“, “Destitution among Students”, “Are these the silliest Degrees in the World?”, & “Did The Vice-Chancellor touch the Cheeky Girls’ Bums”. We are, as you have probably guessed by now, searching for someone who has obtained a reasonable pass in BA(Hons) Big African Flightless Birds Who Like Sticking Their Heads in Sand Studies with, preferably, no shame.