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From: St John
Date: 08/10/97
Over-enthusiastic recruitment has swollen Armageddon's new intake. Admin strategy last year was directed at slimming the salary bill to release funds for new appointments in areas of strength. The tactic adopted was to plan the demise of departments deemed unpopular or lowly-rated. This involved doctoring the annual planning statement (produced in July to ensure no one reads it) and 'demonstrating' that some areas would have no students by the year 2000. However guerrilla action by staff in the threatened departments has frustrated this plan. By exceeding their admissions target they have ensured that new appointments are urgently needed in precisely the areas destined for amalgamation or closure. Meanwhile the 'strong' departments, unable to achieve the ambitious new intake targets set for them, find that their strength is being constantly eroded by the departure of star performers.
From: ARMAGEDDON UNIVERSITY STUDENT'S UNION
Date: 20 Feb 2003
StudenT Union President: Algernon Soprano Only a few days left to the deadline for entries to the Waste-a-Wanker Competition. Who do you want the Union Contract Committee to take out this year? So far, it’s almost neck-and-neck for the top five places. Who are, in reverse order: 5. Dr. Dibley of the Very Northern European Studies for continually appearing on BBC2’s “Paxman-takes-the-Piss” in order to persistently defend his Department’s “The Fairy Tales of Hans Christian Anderson“ Diploma, BA(Hons), MA and PhD courses. 4. Professor Proud of Underwater Studies for the piranha episode at Armageddon City Municipal Swimming Baths. 3. Dr. Roger(It’s only pre-exam nerves)Poot of the A.U. Medical Team for totally mis-diagnosing the emergence of the Sausage Roll Ecoli Epidemic which sent the University into quarantine (and the front pages of the tabloids) for three months. 2. Mrs. Ada Crabbe of Catering - for the sausage rolls! 1. Dr. Roger Poot of the A.U. Medical Team for accepting an all expenses paid six-week holiday in the Bahamas courtesy of Roche International after winning their “Prozac Prescriber of the Year” three times in a row. There are over 300 contenders. Therefore, competition is close. So, if you want your person to lose, don’t blame us if you didn’t enter their name. And. remember, only one name per entry. No entire Departments.