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From: Comenius
Date: 08/10/97
Privatisation of catering proceeds apace. The concentration of remaining university-run outlets at one end of Armageddon's campus has ensured that many staff, and those students who can still afford to eat, are forced to refresh themselves in the Pizzeria Gomorrah, Beelzebub Burger Bar, or Sodom Hilton, establishments leased from the university in mistaken response to the Private Finance Initiative. Official visitors and conferences have been sent there for some time as a way of showing that university catering can never make a profit. A new Turkish kebab take-away is being urgently completed.
From: The Dean's Office
Date: 20 Feb 2003
OBITUARY We are very sorry to report the death of Dr. William Wibsey of the Quantum Physics Department whom, we are informed, passed away peacefully in his sleep. His body was found yesterday - under the floorboards of the boathouse. Police forensic experts have placed his death at sometime around 1996. Dr. Wibsey graduated from The Very Northern European Studies Department in 1923 after gaining 1st-class honours in Runology & Aromatherapy. Dr. Wibsey appears, since his demise, to have (a) pioneered a type of student-controlled essay and exam assessment system - based on, controversially, merit. (b) written several extremely well-informed papers on Quantum Physics. (c) published an award winning book The Definitive Quantum Physics University Teaching Aid. (Harvard Press) and (d) become something of a popular and highly-paid Lecturer at Physics Symposia around the world. Apparently a much-publicized visitor to Monaco, Dr. Wibsey leaves a Rolls Royce, luxury yacht and ten-storey Condominium in Monte Carlo in trust for the post-graduates of his Department. The Finance Department reports that there is nothing unusual about academics continuing to draw salaries after unnoticed death and, at £85,000 p.a., Dr. Wibsey’s Claims for Expenses were about par for the course.